There is so much I'd like to write about today. I don't know where to begin. So...I will begin with Mother's Day. This post is certainly a couple of days late for that event, but sometimes life is crazy...you understand, right?
I've been trying to catch up on the blogs I frequent today. One of the themes I have seen swimming around today has been the deep, persistent and painful feelings suffered by wonderful women who would like to be mothers (in the traditional sense of the word) and are not, whether it is because they are still single or suffer with infertility. I've been in both camps and both places are painful on many, many levels.
It hurts to be single and wonder why you can't find the right one...to be lined up time and time again...to hear, "You're so wonderful, I just don't understand what is wrong with those men."...to wonder if you aren't good enough, pretty enough, and on and on.
I once heard infertility described as the painful process of giving up. Giving up the idea that you will conceive a child without medical intervention, giving up the idea that you will ever see two lines on the home pregnancy test, giving up the idea of feeling life inside your womb for the first time, giving up the idea of experiencing the delicious pain of labor. All the while, feeling that you would give up everything to have any one of those things happen to you.
At this point in my life, I have been able to find my wonderful companion and also have been able to have two children following two harrowing pregnancies. I truly have everything I ever wanted. I'm grateful that this was the path my Father in Heaven designed for me. The road hasn't been smooth and I questioned my own faith many times, but I am able to see with more clarity at this point why the Lord may have wanted me to have the experiences that I have. I know that I can't fully understand every woman's pain, but I feel for those who hurt to be a mother. Yes...the Lord granted me those things I wanted so much (and the things you want too if you are someone suffering in these ways), but it did come with a price. My pregnancies (as I have discussed too often lately on this blog) have been a great struggle - and don't get me wrong there are many women who suffer MORE than I do during pregnancy.
During one of my ER visits when I was pregnant with Big Sis, my husband looked down at me, noting the IV that was giving me medication to make me stop vomiting and rehydrating my body and asked, "What would we do without modern medicine." I looked up at him and said, without pausing, "I would have been dead." I thought of the pioneer women carrying babies over the plains, giving birth, dealing with morning sickness and worse and wondered if there had been women like me and knowing that they would not have survived pregnancy. That thought shook my soul and I realized to an even greater degree how a woman is willing to give up her own life for the life of her child. I would have done so for my children to give them life.
I found this amazing video through a friend's blog. When I watched it, I cried. Probably because of my experiences...maybe it will be something that is touching for you too.
And just so you know...I would go through it all again...for that.