Friday, June 13, 2008

Today I Just Can't Laugh

Is it harder for you to feel like a failure as a daughter, as a wife or as a mother?

Today, I feel like a failure in all three of these categories. In truth, I feel broken, my heart feels as though it has been burst into a million pieces. There is a pit in my stomach and it's not because I haven't eaten.

I try not to cry in front of my kids because I know it scares them. This morning, however, the flood gates unexpectedly flew open and my poor little kids hugged and tried to console their mother. Big Sis went into her room and made me a little card that said, "Mmoy I hop u g bedr i nuow dat u uor croune lov..." (translation: Mommy I hope you get better I know that u are crying. Lov, [Big Sis])

I am trying to put on a brave face for my kids. So I hope you won't mind, my faithful readers, if I break down for you.

If it seems I am quiet in commenting and posting over the next few days, I hope you'll know that I am still here. I just need a little bit of quiet introspection and time to think.


Please note: Nothing my husband or children have done has precipitated this incident...they are wonderful and darling, sweet and kind in every way. They are angels to me. Please don't think I am suffering from depression either. There is a specific incident related to all of this, but it's not something I can share on a blog.


Mrs. Mordecai said...

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Cheryl said...

All three. A lot, usually.

Dang, girl! I wish I could do something for you. Man, I know how it feels to break down in front of the kids and it's not fun. Especially when they are so sweet and try so hard to make us happy, you know?

Here's a great big HUG coming your way. I hope you're able to get through whatever it is unscathed!

Erica said...

I'm so sorry. And I know you're not a failure even though you might feel like it sometimes.

Jeanette said...

Oh Leslie! I wish I could give you a hug right now. I am sure that no matter what it is that is going one, you are not a failure.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers too.
Your daughter's card is so sweet!

An Ordinary Mom said...

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I hope things start looking up for you. Know that you are loved and appreciated by many!


Summer said...

I'm sorry Leslie.

Chelan said...

:-( I hope you feel better soon.

My Ice Cream Diary said...

It is all too easy to feel like a failure, I know this all too well myself. But you aren't. Sometimes life throws it all at us at once and it is hard to see past the dirt. Just remember that through Him all things are ok.

I'm hoping this will pass quickly for you and that you will feel the love and care you need right now.

Traci said...

We love you Leslie! You're in our prayers.

raybee said...

I feel like this a lot. I'm so sorry! I think you are fantastic! I always have. You're certainly a bright shining star for me - a definite favorite among the cousins!! Sure am glad to know you. Love you!!

Amber said...

Hugs to you, my dear. I am sooooo sorry you are feeling this way. Remember you are loved by those around you!

Andrea said...

I've broken down in front of Elise before, and I agree--not so much fun. Sometimes it's hard to always be happy fun girl when you're not feeling that way. It's hard when things happen in life that you really can't explain to others and is something that makes you just sick. I actually had one of those while I don't know what you're going through just know you're not alone and I'll say a prayer for you.

Christine said...

Thanks for your openness! I am A Mormon SAHM too I know some days you just feel like crying and not smiling! Like today when I still have 3 days tell my husband comes home from scout camp... cant wait! I enjoyed reading your blog! you can see mine at
Hope you have a great day!

Mom2My6Kids said...

Leslie, I haven't been here in a while. Sorry! It's summer and things are crazy!

This post makes my heart hurt. I've done this same thing over the past year. It's tough. Hang in there. I have no idea what you are going through but I have been through a trial that challenged me to my very core. I still have really bad days but I am also having better days. It takes a while to heal. Let the tears come. They help. Find someone to talk to. The best thing I did was go private so I could talk to strangers on my blog. I'm not suggesting that you do that but you have to find what you need to take care of you! Your in my thoughts and prayers. And no that you are not alone in your doubts. Many of us have been there and are still there. You are loved! And I think you are doing a great job in all three areas PLUS friend so give yourself some well earned credit! Love you!